Llysistrata's Blog

Feeling lonely tonight

llysistrata — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 16:44:16 +0000

Yesterday started off surprisingly well. The previous night left my emotional state in complete misery. But Sunday, Sunday started well. We met up after church in the morning. We sat outside the B and ate. I was thrilled that not only did he take a good 45 minutes to spend with me, it was in public! Since I so often feel that he’s hiding his relationship with me, I felt so happy afterwards. Later that day I saw him again. I was leaving color guard rehearsal, and he arrived at the location for some work-related stuff. He let me go buy him coffee, bring it back and talk to him awhile. Again, in public, with many people seeing our interaction.

Then we had sex. I really didn’t mean to. Not at first. I was trying so hard to be good. I don’t want a physical relationship! I don’t want our focus to be on that. I want to wait until we’re married. I want him to marry me. We made out for a good hour before I finally caved in. Good job, M…good job. Church in the morning and fornication at night. I’m really going to get my heart broken aren’t I? I saw the lust in his eyes. Why can’t it be love?

He asked me once what I was thinking. I told him I couldn’t tell him, because I was standing on a precipice, and if I told him what I was thinking, I would have to jump, and I was afraid no one would catch me. He whispered, “I’ll catch you.” But will he? Will he really?

I haven’t seen him today. Haven’t received an email in about 11 hours. Haven’t received a text in about 7 hours. I wonder why. Of course my mind is racing with all sorts of possibilities. None of them bode well for me. Why am I so insecure about this man? It’s as if the years that I spent nurturing my self-confidence never even existed. He just texted me! My heart jumped. It was a response to a text I sent several hours ago. Is he just getting my messages now? Or am I getting his just now?

Why do I fall for someone so quickly? Why does he have SO MUCH POWER over me? He doesn’t even deserve it.

Filled with love but still empty

llysistrata — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 18:43:00 +0000

Mind reeling,

Confusion, agony

Who am I

What am I

Will you be

When I fall,

Fall to my knees

Can you love me,

Numb my pain?

Must I brave

This world alone?

An endless cycle of despair

llysistrata — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 17:51:20 +0000

He texted me over an hour ago, telling me he was about to call his parents. It seems like an awfully long conversation. Maybe he is talking to HER. It’s not my fault. I never meant to be the “other woman.” He didn’t tell me until it was too late. Until my heart was already involved.
When I think of how I’ve allowed myself to be used by men over the last year, it blows my mind. How can a supposedly intelligent, attractive, worldly woman in her mid-twenties keep letting herself get used by men? Am I a masochist? Why do I bleed for them?
He just texted me. He said he’s about to get in bed. No conversation tonight. I didn’t even see him today. Yes, I tell myself. You are going to get your heart broken. But still I stay. Why can’t I just walk away?
It started with J. Well, really it started many years ago with my very first boyfriend. But I was naïve then. What’s my excuse now this last year? I’m a U.S. Army Soldier for goodness sake. I’ve experienced more than the majority of Americans will ever understand.
He didn’t make time to see me today or even call. Just a few texts and a couple of emails. I’m obviously not a priority to him. If I he really was falling for me, as he says, wouldn’t he go out of his way to see me? He may choose me now as the best option (the only option really), but he doesn’t really love me obviously. Which means that when he goes home and sees HER…the mother of his unborn child…what chance do I have? Why are relationships so hard for those of us in the military? I know we’re away a lot and in a strange environment, but…is it that simple?
I came so close to cutting myself just now. I had the razor. I was in the bathroom stall with my pants down…ready to slice into my thigh. But I argued with myself. If I cut, it’s NOT me in control. He’s in control. I told myself to trust God.
But I’m just so tired of living. I’d kill myself except that it would hurt my parents, and I don’t have enough guts to. I figured out a way to make it look like it might not be suicide. I thought that would make my parents feel a little better. But I still can’t do it. Too afraid. I heard someone say once that killing yourself is cowardly. No, it’s not. If it were cowardly, then why isn’t it easier to do?